To medicate or not..that is the question…?

I am not a fan of medication. I dont take something for a head ache till it is beyond sore. I look for alternative options where I can. I will take cold and flu tablets but not till I am at cant move at death bed type moment.

So for me deciding to take medication to help with my anxiety was and still in some parts has been a hard mindset. Have I failed? Was I weak? Anti depressants have some kind of hang up attached to them.

I was at the point of life being out of control. Every breath was hard. Every day had this rollercoaster of events that would run in and out like the wave at the beach. I could not maintain the racing mind that would hijack my rational thinking making the world one huge catastrophy. I reminded my self of Henny Penny…. Look out look out the sky is falling…!!!

I can say all this and see all this now but when you are absorbed IN it, it is hard to see out side of it. You cant control the way your mind gets lost or believes what it is creating. My mind never stopped.

I was trying to be mindful but couldnt stop the constant thoughts. I would try to meditate but end up stressing about something. I really believed that my merry go round was controlled by gremlins and they had cranked it up to flat out…. But the hardest part was that I believed that I was reining this in….mmmm

What the medication so far has done for me.. It has calmed my mind. I can now think about each and every thing rather than jumping irrationally from thought to thought. I am not sweating the small stuff as I use to.. I am dealing with things with a clearer mind.

Our life is extremely busy. 10 employees. A busy company that is pushing through these hard economic times with plenty of work. 2 young kids. Major renovations. Sideline businesses. 1 just closing. 1 still new.. A sick parent who is not a trouble but a constant thought at the back of my mind. And for some reason I didnt want to take on help and make this a little easier for me??

Medication is not for all. But for me it is at this stage a 6 month training course. Letting my body know it can relax and switch off. That I dont have to work in damage control to achieve things. That I dont have to feel every thumping beat of my heart every step of the way. That I dont have to grip life with white knuckles and clenched teeth to succeed. That life doesnt have to be serious. I can laugh, giggle and have fun along the way. That taking big breathes isnt a sometimes thing…it is a daily..hourly thing..to check in with me and to not hurt my chest.

Finally I can now see how this will benefit me. I was sinking on my own. The last few days I am starting to swim again.. At this moment in my life medication is for me.

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