I have been riding a horrific rollercoaster from the end of June. Never before have I felt that my life has a grip on me that I cant escape from. This grip is right around my heart & has been a stress & a strain all of its own.
I have hung on hopes, therapy, with a mixture of scarey google searching, while still having unreasonable behaviour and ending in extreme anxiety & a panic attack! !!! Aaarrgghhh
After having my first medication reaction it has taken me 6 weeks to be back at the edge of struggleville and ready to try again. This time I have ridden a rollercoaster that has caught up the kids & effected their behaviour. I have drained my sister who is endlessly there for me & taken my husband to the brink of frustration. In all of this I have not been fair to me.
I have forgotten what it feels like to live with out a pounding heart & adrenalin zipping super fast like electricity through my viens..
I needed to taken this next step which for me in many ways was like admitting defeat. I never fail…. I always find a way…. But I couldnt get off the ground again no matter how hard I was flapping. In the mean time I was depleating all energy I was creating. So time to put in the buffer. Time to decide to start my new medication & feel “normal” rather than the habits I had in feeling so bad.
A wise person said to me you can not begin to help your self until you begin to relax & feel good. Another wise lady told me when you have a bad headache you take a tablet to block the sensors and relieve the pain. I was getting it…. I needed to drop these high levels so that life feels good & I can work on me easier…
So day 1 began with swallowing a tablet knowing that to help anxiety the medication they give you actually brings on anxiety worse…. Lets hope the worse before it gets better thing happens fast…. Because the truth be known I am exhausted from it all. I look forward to the greener field that I can lay in and not worry about the crap laying underneath it..