Time to take on all fears

I feel like I have stood these past weeks & jumped from some huge strange hole that has held me suspended in a BIG VOID!! In this void I am seeming to be coming to terms with life, what it does, the hardballs it throws & somewhere in there I am surviving.

I have discovered that I am my worst fan – I use to think I supported myself endlessly but I have since found out it is ME who makes things harder than they should be, ME who puts up a string of what ifs, ME who changes what I know instilling new beliefs. Infact I have been known to terrify & bully ME !!

So this afternoon I am doing 2 things

  1. Travelling on the sea by myself with the kids. I might own boats but I am the worst sea dog…
  2. I am staying on a tiny island. No mainland. No medical centre. No ambulance. No sister………image

Time to turn this around. This is infact the truth be known the exact thing our family needs right now. Our family together. In paradise, relaxing & having a golden recharge in some sunshine.

For the trip across I took the kids on the ferry as our boat went earlier bait fishing for the tournament it is entered in. 70 minutes in seas over 25 knots… OMG!!!

But it wasnt too bad. I got my pen & paper out & started writing, making my mind busy not about the task at hand.

1 Smart Phone with music – 1 ear plug each child to listen too and FB for me as my backup as they listen. I knew this was not like an endless days fishing travelling up one wave and down the next in the messy seas. I could survive 70 minutes surely.

Over half way there I knew soon that the tiny land clump in the middle of these mean seas would be in sight & that the solid wooden wharf would soon be under my feet.

The kids dozed to the rocking, I hoped time would go in mega speed infact a teleporter would have been a perfect means of travel.

It was great to come around the corner with 15 minutes to go & knowing we were a breath away from making it now. We had put our second tick up for the day. Tick 1 was deciding to actually go. With everything I had been travelling through I didnt think I was strong enough to be travelling across seas and be away from my safe home.

Once on the island I could breath…. but 1 more thing to check… I almost giggled to myself when asking but there was this part that needed to feel safe this section of my mind that needed to know.

If for some reason one of us gets sick on the island – what happens…. I heard myself ask???

The answer was very settling – there is a nurse on the island and every night there is 2 numbers that can be contacted with any concerns!!!!

             WAHHOOO there might be hope that I can actually survive??

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One thought on “Time to take on all fears

  1. Bullying yourself. I can understand that. The motivation for the pressures we put ourselves under need to be understood. I’ve experienced this personally and when I worked out the source of my endless need to please I’ve been a bit better at pulling back and asking what the effort is truly for and do I really need to do it, who is it satisfying. But that being said to go waaaaaaaaaay back and explore the source is scary and people don’t like it. It isn’t about blaming others either, it’s about finding out why you do these things.

    The breathing, when you can truly breath properly it is a different sensation, it is not shallow and high that makes you giddy, it reaches all parts of your body and nurtures it.

    thinking of you dear mate
    xxxx

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