OK Here comes the Anti-Depressing story!!
Treatment comes in all forms but here is where mine starts. I am seeing a great psychotherapist – ( another really BAD WORD ) & have done for several months…. Infact I am not sure how my life would have ever made sense to me with out her amazing guidance & her unconditional support. Truthfully I wasnt sure we would have a lot to talk about ….. and I didnt want to start with the family, or my husband or when I was little …. I just wanted to skip all that crap… ha ha ha ha WRONG…..
Every one finds their own keys or tools to put in their bag of tricks to heeling, which can be a long hard road and it is never smooth like I thought, infact it is somewhat of a wavy road….
Two great things work with my therapist… 1. Her mum also died when she was little so she “GETS” that part of me 2. She has also gone to hospital from extreme anxiety panic attacks just like me…
YEAH – she might actually GET me a whole bunch…. Oh and she is REAL, she says things as they are.
One particular week after have good & bad days… mixed in with life and a whole bunch of business STUFF….it was decided to give my body a break and to start on medication. When running in Fight & Flight mode you exhaust your serotonin levels and this needs to be topped up.
I am very lucky in that my Dr works in with my therapist…mmm…. never really thought I would be writing such sentences… but that great thing is they are on the exact same path to my well-being. So I dont need to a lot of explaining I just give each the requests and they work together. My dr is also great having suffered anxiety herself ASWELL…. she also gets my somewhat irrational almost weird thinking but she gets it….
For me this is the key.. I have 2 professionals working with me who have both suffered like me and completely know what I mean when I talk about getting worked up and not being able to stop the thinking. They have true empathy and understanding which then gives me complete faith.
So a Lexapro script was drawn with some sleeping tablets to get past the first few days because apparently anxiety medication can make you more anxious to begin with OMG!!! and heres where the fun began.
- Monday – half dose
That night I took a half a dose of the sleeping medication to help me sleep…mmmm. FREAK OUT !! I got myself soooo worked up that I might never wake up that they were by no means relaxing and helpful. They caused my heart to race over time…..
- Tuesday – half dose
- Wednesday – half dose
- Thursday – full dose
- Friday – full dose then AARRGGGGHHH!!!
Rash covering my arms and stomach….. I am sure I told you about how I was terrified about getting sick with rashes in my last post – well FREAK OUT TIME !!
On Friday afternoon I came out in a measles like rash!! For someone trying to work with anxiety about health for my body to do this was like the last straw!! I was almost at flip out point….Fortunately as I have said before I have the best sister in the world who keep me rational and kept me focused and “knowing” I was alright…
By the morning it had settled down and fortunately I had gone to sleep & not worried too much as I would have in the past. I called the drs and was advised to take a half dose and made an appointment. With in 30-60 minutes of taking it – my rash was back.
By Sunday morning it was once again gone…. I took my half a tablet & with in 15-30 minutes rash was back… not so bad but back all the same…..
Monday morning it was confirmed by my Dr that I had had a reaction to the Anxiety medication!! Of course I had !!!! We were giggling about this as it could only happen to me!!
The plan needed to be changed, new medication was prescribed but this couldnt be started for 7 days till the Leaxpro was out of my system.
W H A T !!!!!!! nothing to support me – oh I forgot to say during this 7 days my therapist was away on a Buddhist retreat !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This alone sent my heart racing !!!! I was also given low dose Valium to get me threw if I needed over this 7 days…
It was then the A-ha moment kicked in I decided that maybe all of this was happening for a reason. I was learning tools, reading books, gaining support from a lot of areas…. I decided that I needed to ACCEPT this Anxiety & stop fighting against it. The more I fight against it – they bigger it raises… I needed to work with it.. Anxiety & me needed to be friends.
An exhausting week followed
- Gazing at the world seeing its beauty
- Stopping to breath
- Waiting a few moment when getting in the car to gather my thoughts instead of bull at the gate
- Mindfulness & being present practiced several times every day
- Talking about it and knowing that I am normal and how many people this actually effects
- Realising I was not alone any more
- Listening to my body
- Knowing my limits and not stepping over them
- Starting the day with positive reading before even stepping out of bed
- Also being aware of putting healthy & natural food in my body with a good water supply
I do know this will be a lumpy wavy sometimes rocky road that I am travelling on but having not filled either of my 2 scripts yet I am going breath by breath & getting there.